Two Hours with Fox News

 I’m at the car dealership in the waiting room. The TV is on a game show.

A guy walks in. He’s in his late ’50’s. He’s carrying two books. One of them is the Bible. The other has Glenn Beck’s name on it. While others are actively engaged in the game show, he picks up the remote and changes the TV to Fox News.

Nobody says anything.

I say, "Excuse me. I’d prefer to watch anything other than that. I don’t mind what you change it to, but I’d prefer not to be stuck here for two hours watching Fox News if you don’t mind."

He ignores me and puts the remote on his lap.

Two hours later…

I’ve been watching Fox News. I’ve been making notes. This is what I learned.

First, Fox News is far worse than all reports I’ve heard.

In two hours, I documented twelve "commercials" that were politically specific. They included Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee and others urging the audience to take political action against Democrats and Obama. Obama was mentioned by name in every commercial. These were "commercials." Not political messages but "commercials."

Every commercial break ran a commercial about buying gold. Not multiple commercials, but the same commercial over and over again. With a commercial break every six minutes, that means ten commercials per hour. Twenty times in two hours. The gold commercial included language that warned the economy was "in peril" and could collapse "any day now."

I saw Fox News commentators trying to find a way to blame Democrats for the disaster in Japan. (I also heard them continually refer to it as "a tragedy." It isn’t a tragedy. It’s a disaster.) They also raised questions as to why Obama’s administration has not yet updated our own nuclear reactors. I tried counting the number of times commentators–not guests, but commentators–mispronounced "nuclear."

More on Japan: they used this disaster to justify more oil drilling to avoid "the same kind of disaster." 

I’d like someone on Fox News to show me where the US has built a nuclear power plant on a fault line.

They also said that "After the BP disaster, the Obama administration tried to politicize the oil issue." Yeah. Because my memory of that was Democrats shouting, "DRILL BABY DRILL!"

Fox News folks also questioned, "While our own economy is in ruins, is it wise for Obama to send precious resources to Japan?"

Three people nodded silently–including the Glenn Beck fan–when the commentator said this. Having enough of this nonsense, I asked, in a very loud voice…


The Glenn Beck fan called me rude.

I told him, "You were the one who changed the channel without asking anyone’s permission. And when someone asked you if we could watch someone else, you put the fucking remote on your fucking lap, asshole. So fuck you with your ‘rude’ bullshit."

I then quoted FDR: "When your neighbor’s house is on fire, you don’t haggle over the price of your water hose."

Now, pardon me for a moment because I’m going to apparently go off topic. I’m not. I’m trying to illustrate a point.
At Neoncon this year, I had a conversation with a few folks who were once employees at WotC about the RPGA. They insisted to me that the RPGA was not a good way to judge the average D&D player base. I’ve heard White Wolf say the same thing about The Camarilla. "The Camarilla is not indicative of the typical White Wolf player."

The WotC people told me the same thing. "The RPGA is not representative of the typical D&D player."

My counter to that is simple.

are not the typical player. 

of these groups are the official player base for your game. When folks want to play D&D or WoD, they seek out the official organization of that game.

By definition, they are the representational player base of your game.

And, by analogy, I’d like to make this argument…

(BTW, I am not a Democrat. I’m not a Liberal. Don’t even think about painting me with that epithet.)

Many of my friends call themselves "Republicans." I’m talking to you right now.

You are are reasonable, intelligent folks. I respect and admire you. I enjoy our debates and learn something when we talk about disagreement. I even change my mind sometimes. And, I hope, I make you question your own assumptions.

But you are not the Republican base. You are not representative of the "typical player." You are not the guy with the Bible in one hand and the Glenn Beck book in the other. You are not sitting in front of Fox News, brainwashing yourself to hate anyone who disagrees with you. You are not buying the lies being pumped into these people’s heads. You are not buying the propaganda. 

You are not the problem.

The problem is the base.

And "the base" is stealing your message.

I agree with a smaller, more efficient government. I agree with getting rid of government waste. I agree with protecting citizen’s rights. I agree with all of that.

These people don’t even understand what I just typed. 

"The Republican base" scares the fuck out of me.

They don’t want to think. They don’t want to listen. They want to be told what to think. And they believe you only need to read one book to understand the world around us.

Two hours with Fox News taught me this.

I thought I was mad two days ago. I was wrong.

Now… I’m fucking mad.

Reagan Reminiscing

For all my Republican friends who may be reminiscing fondly about Ronald Reagan, I offer my own memories. I remember…

  • A guy who raised taxes 11 times,
  • Increased the size of the government,
  • Promised to eliminate government cabinets but actually added a couple,
  • Promised organized school prayer, criminalization of abortion, and the end of racial equalization but (thank Eris) never delivered,
  • Was the only administration not to raise the minimum wage,
  • Ignored AIDS until one of his wife’s friends (Rock Hudson) was diagnosed,
  • Argued for tuition tax credits,
  • And, finally, a man whose son recently revealed his dad had Alzheimer’s *before* he was elected President and never revealed it to the public.

Just like every other man or woman walking the face of the Earth, Reagan was no saint. He was complicated, he compromised, he succeeded and he failed. 

And he had to pull down his pants and sit on the shitter just like the rest of us.


Rush Limbaugh: Liberals Should Not Be Allowed Guns or Free Speech

You can read his words–in context–here.

"I’ve got the solution to all this. I’ve got the solution to most crime in America. From this day forward, somebody propose it, liberals should not be allowed to buy guns. It’s just that simple. Liberals should have their speech controlled and not be allowed to buy guns. I mean if we want to get serious about this, if we want to face this head on, we’re gonna have to openly admit, liberals should not be allowed to buy guns, nor should they be allowed to use computer keyboards or typewriters, word processors or e-mails, and they should have their speech controlled. If we did those three or four things, I can’t tell you what a sane, calm, civil, fun-loving society we would have. Take guns out of the possession, out of the hands of liberals, take their typewriters and their keyboards away from ‘em, don’t let ‘em anywhere near a gun, and control their speech. You would wipe out 90% of the crime, 85 to 95% of the hate, and a hundred percent of the lies from society."

If you are a conservative/tea party/republican/whatever, DARE YOU to post a disagreement with this statement.


Be public about it. Post the same link, the same words, and say, "Rush Limbaugh is wrong about this."

Go on.

Because if you don’t, I’ll assume you don’t disagree with him.

Pumpkinhead, or “Where Do You Get Your Ideas, John?”

I was at GenCon playing a larp.

We were paired up, boy and girl. Not men and women, but boys and girls. The rules of the larp were vague. We weren’t told what we could and could not do. But we knew we were abducted and needed to escape. We were in a strange place we did not understand and we were constantly watched.

There was a great power called Pumpkinhead. Everyone was afraid of it.

The girl I was with was smarter than me. She had a plan of baking a cookie that we could use to escape. We would tie a string to the cookie and it would carry us up into the sky to the hole where we could get back to our own world.

We were hiding in a car in a parking lot of a grocery store. I was keeping watch while she baked the cookie. While she was baking, one of the guards came to take us away. I made a huge ruckus and they only took me away–the guards were not very smart.

As they took me inside the store, I passed by the DVD rack. It was all David Lynch films. I also passed Rachel Maddow who was dressed up in a tiny little cheerleader outfit with her boobs pushed up so she could interview George W. Bush.

They brought me up to the manager’s office where Pumpkinhead waited. I kept my eyes down so I would not look directly at it. When Pumpkinhead spoke, I realized it was a woman. A beautiful woman with a jack-o-lantern painted on her face. I then remembered I was in a larp and not the actual world.

Pumpkinhead talked to the guard. "We have some clever foxes," Pumpkinhead said. The guard laughed. "Wait until the end when they realize what that means." I then understood that "foxes" was a code word for players who ratted out other players.

Pumpkinhead looked at me. I kept my eyes to the floor. She wanted to know why I was such a troublemaker. I knew I was buying the girl in the car time, so I said, "It comes naturally, I guess."

There were some more questions and then Pumpkinhead kissed me. It was sexual and terrifying. She then told the guard to let me go back to the car.

When I got there, the girl was gone. I looked up and she was holding on to the cookie, floating toward the hole in the sky. 

Then, behind me, Pumpkinhead said, "I want to fuck you." It was the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.

And I woke up.