The Legend of Jessie Foster: Rubber Bands

I was at Smitty’s birthday party. (You know Smitty, don’t you? Everyone knows Smitty.) Mr. Foster was there, practicing Kung Fu. 

(In case you don’t remember: Jessie Foster knows drunken Kung Fu. In fact, he only knows Kung Fu when he’s drunk.)

A game of rubber band war had broken out. Mr. Foster’s belly was cherry red from all the rubber bands struck against him. In fact, he wasn’t even fighting back. He was accepting each and every strike, then smiling. He would say, "Nope. I’m not drunk enough. I can still feel it." He would then proceed to drink more.

Soon, there was no more room on Mr. Foster’s belly, so everyone moved to striking him on his back, which quickly became just as cherry red as his belly. And with each strike, he lamented, "Nope. I’m not drunk enough. I can still feel it."

And so, when there was no more room on his belly or his back, we moved to his chest. Soon, his chest was just as cherry red as his back and his belly. And with each strike, he lamented, "Nope. I’m not drunk enough. I can still feel it."

And then the party noticed there was no more room on his back or his belly or his chest to test Mr. Foster’s inebriation.

And so, Mr. Foster dropped his pants.

The Legend of Jessie Foster: 5

According to polls, 44% of Americans were single in 2009.

In 2009, Jessie Foster had five girlfriends.

He did not date five girls sequentially (one after the other).

He was dating all five girls at the same time. 

A different woman for every weeknight.

To top that off, in an effort to start the year anew, at the beginning of 2010, he let them all go. All but one. She refused. So Jessie Foster kept her… because she was worthy.

The Legend of Jessie Foster: Drunk Kung Fu

(This is a true story.)

We were at a convention negotiating the drinking of a bottle of American Honey. After negotiations, Jessie Foster was responsible for the contents of the bottle disappearing in less than a minute.

Shortly thereafter, he decided to crash the (over 100 person) Poker Tournament. As he passed from table to table, Mr. Foster arranged to have every woman sit on his lap.

At one point, the organizer of the tournament approached me. "Look, we all love Jessie, but he’s disrupting the tournament." I agreed to try getting him out of the room.

I put my hand on Jessie’s shoulder with the intention of saying, "Hey, it’s about time we get out of here."

But Jessie looked at my hand. And then, he looked at me.

He looked at my hand. And then, he looked at me.

And with the friendliest voice and smile, he told me, "I know kung fu." 

And at that precise moment, I knew he was telling the truth.

Later on, after the rest of us mere mortals had succumbed to slumber, Mr. Foster made his way back to the poker tournament. The details of that event, I cannot speak of with any authority.

The Legend of Jessie Foster: Ninety Percent

(This is a true story.)

I was at a party here in Phoenix: my first Dark Ones Party, in fact. Jessie brought me with him.

On the way to the party, Jessie told me, "Ninety percent of women are bi-sexual."

I laughed. "What about the other ten percent?"

"They don’t know it," he told me.

I said, "That’s funny. Good one."

Foster shook his head. "I’m not joking," he said.

Later on, as I was walking through the party, I saw Jessie on a couch. On his lap were two women, completely and amorously engaged with each other.

Mr. Foster smiled at me. "Ninety percent," he said. 

The Legend of Jessie Foster: Two of Them

(This is a true story.)

One night, Jessie and a few friends went to a strip club. As usual, the ladies were very fond of Mr. Foster and his friends commented. A wager was put in place: whether or not Jessie could bring one of the strippers home with him.

Closing time found Jessie giving money to his friends. “Sorry boys,” he said. “I’m not bringing a stripper home tonight.”

He smiled. “I’m bringing home two.”